The Blog Post With No Title.

So, do you think I can walk into this blog and just pretend nothing ever happened? I do! Let's try it.

A couple of months ago, I decided that I wanted to be a writer for a career. The logical conclusion that would come after that would be to sit down and write something. Right?

Wrong! You see, once I made the decision to write a book it seemed that the way you go around writing is to NOT write. You think of some really good ideas, you write them down, forget them, think of more good ideas, and then basically look for every excuse in the world to NOT write. That being said, I've done a pretty good job being a wanna-be writer.

Now for my new technique. I'm going to say that I'm NOT going to be a writer,  (secretly don't mean it) and write every day trying to prove to myself that I can be a writer.

This might actually work.

I've been having some pretty vengeful thoughts of late. And of course there's always that overly used line "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord" that makes me want to claw my eyes out. Yes, I know that holding on to past hurts and hateful feelings is a lot like taking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.... But rat poison tastes so good!!

Instead of feeling guilty for thinking these thoughts and trying to tie a knot in my water hose of hate, I've just let it pour. I don't try to stop thinking about it, b/c that ends up exploding on me months down the road when one thing will bring everything popping back up.  Just let your water hate hose run. Let that water bill become outrageous. Don't worry about that.

Feel what you need to feel. 

The bill will be taken care of. Just picture Jesus, not your Jesus, but mine. Mine is cooler.  (Hair tied back into a pony tail, scruff, awesome leather flip flops, killer smile, nice tan, and a motorcycle.) Got it in your head? Picture Him parking his motorcycle and walking up to the water bill office, and just telling them, "Hey, you see that crazy bill over there? Don't worry about that bill. Put it on my tab."

*Swoon*

So me and Jesus? We've been having a puddle party. And you know what? I'm not afraid to ask Him to afflict certain people with embarrassing rashes and uncontrollable acne. And just like all that water coming out of the hose? These feelings will pass.

Just let got and let God pay your water bill.

A slow fade

Yes, I know. I know it's been a while. Yes, I have actually been thinking of starting a new blog since I feel this one has gotten old.
(That's an inside joke for old blog readers. To get in on it go back to post #1)

I even came up with a cool name for it. It was to be called "Almost Graceful" which is a pretty apt name for the kind of grace that I possess. Almost, but not quite.


Hold on- I just heard an foreboding sound which can only mean one thing : Lennox.
Alright we're cool. She was playing with her dishes this time instead of mine. Phew.


Anyway, I did start writing for another blog as a contributor for these past couple of months... but I only posted there like twice before life completely overwhelmed me.

I think the reason for me wanting to call it quits was that I feel that I have worked myself into a niche. And it's a great niche don't get me wrong... sometimes though... I want to post about stuff that's not spiritual... But people come here to read spiritual stuff. They don't come here to see pictures of Leni and read about what I cooked for dinner. Unless I can somehow find a spiritual blog post in that I don't feel like anyone would be interested in reading about it.

Confession? I don't think in spiritual blog posts. I don't even like most of them. I'm human. I want to write about throwing snowballs and adopting a kitten. I just don't feel like I can because I don't want to throw a religious spin on stuff like snowballs and kittens.  Guilt.

I feel like I've been trying so hard to find stuff to write that would fit into this genre I've created that I've lost all my yearn for writing about it.  And here's where it gets REALLY messed up.

Warning: You are about to enter an over-analyzation paragraph. Sometimes? I don't write at all because I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. For a long time I wanted popularity and comments and a lot of blog readers. But then I felt that I was writing for the wrong thing. So I stopped. Any time where I get the feelings of ego I stop writing. And sometimes? I don't write because I want God to reveal his lessons to me instead of me trying to crank out some blog post.

I think I'm just confused. I don't want to write for fame.... but I kinda do in a small way. (who wouldn't want to be popular? Besides Kurt Cobain.) I want to write for God but not always all about God. I want to write about things that don't fit inside the Righteous Babe genre... and that makes me feel like a bad person.


I feel like I'm not making any sense.


Also? I'm STILL battling depression. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been told that Christians shouldn't be depressed and that it's selfish.... whichhhh makes me even more depressed because now I'm apparently a selfish pagan.

I think I've finally figured out something though. Depression isn't going one day from bright rainbow colors to a cold black and white.

For me, it is a slow gradient fade. The colors that were so bright yesterday are now just a shade paler than they were. It's almost unnoticeable. Add that with the hustle and bustle of life and you DON'T notice it. Plus, you're still feeling good... you can't be depressed and feel good can you? You can't be depressed and crack jokes can you? So I deny that I am depressed because after all I'm taking medication for it and I have absolutely NO reason to be depressed. Then I work myself into a denial and refuse to notice the colors around me getting paler and paler until finally I come to the realization that I have lost all my passions. I have become an uncaring, apathetic lump on the couch who sleeps more than I am awake. I can still smile, I can still laugh... but everything is just in black and white now. All meaning has left my life. Subtly and insidiously it got paler and paler every day.

The slow fade. That is what depression is for me. I don't notice it until it's too late.

Guys, I'm so tired of taking these pills. I don't feel like they even work anymore. I'm scared to come off them though because if I'm still depressed with them what would I be without them?

I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Don't ever, ever, ever, EVER give up.

Two years ago today I had been a mom for officially 5 hours. I was an accidental mom. An accidental mom who got pregnant after 4 months of marriage and on birth control to boot. I was supposed to be a newlywed. I did not want to be a mother.

And let me tell you something... when you go into motherhood kicking and screaming or in my case throwing up and lifeless for 9 months, that's not a good start. Plus throw in getting used to your spouse of less than a year. Boy was Jesse surprised when I was able actually get out of the bed and not be sick. I had been married to Jesse while I was pregnant for longer than I had been "normal."

Sometimes I dream about how much better of a mother if my pregnancy had been planned. How much better of wife I could've been if I had not gotten pregnant. If I had actually wanted a baby. If I had wanted to be a mother. 

If, if, if, if, IF.

There is nothing to stop me from being a better mom and wife now though. Nothing except myself. 

For three years I have been battling depression and suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I just don't get Christianity or God at all. I mean, basically the world is beyond broken and getting worse everyday, so you're suppose to just slog through it all with God as your spotter to pick you up when you fall... all the while knowing that there is a heaven with no pain and suffering just waiting for you. 

Why do we cling to this life so viciously? I don't understand. I mean, I'm ready, lets go. What are we waiting for? I just want to go to Heaven and let everything be all right. The end. 

Isn't that horrible? 

Yes, it is. 

But there is something larger going on here. When I am in my right mind I can see that. It's like coming through a heavy, wet, fog into the sunshine. 

Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason that everything happens. 

I may still dislike myself, but I have a love for humanity. If I saw someone going through what I was going through I would tell them that they are worth something. Aren't I the hypocrite? 

You see, I am worth something too... even if I don't think so. 

And that brings me to the last part of my jumbled together post. 

I may not have wanted to have a baby, but I did. But that doesn't stop me from loving her like she was a baby I had planned for all along. 

I may not want to be living but I am. And if you have come to this blog searching for an answer this is what I have to tell you. 

Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER. GIVE. UP.

Ever. 

If you are living it is for a reason. Don't doubt that. You are reading this for a reason. The reason may not be something that you can see until you go into eternity. It might be the most insignificant thing you could ever imagine... But you are the only one on this Earth that can do it. Do you understand me? Someone else might could do it.... but it won't be with your fingerprints or with the effect that you would've had. 

And guys, if I never beat this depression, there's only one thing I want you to say to me. 

"Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, 

EVER. 

GIVE. 

UP."

Ghetto Scavenger Hunt

Hello all! It is a hot and humid evening here in Cincinnati. I've just returned victorious from what I like to call my " Ghetto Scavenger Hunt" and what my husband calls 30 mins of daily exercise. In truth, it's a walk. But I have to trick myself to exercise. So that's why I call it the "Ghetto Scavenger Hunt." 

Now once again, we don't exactly live IN the ghetto. 

Well, actually, yes we do.

 (But it's just on the very edge of it.)

When we take our daily walk we go down all these semi-ghetto roads, and in Hamilton (the town where we live) you never know WHAT you are going to see.

Now there are two sides of Hamilton, the West side which is nice, republican, and clean.... annnd the East side which is everything else. 

We live on the East side. 

What I'm gonna blog about here is my list for the Ghetto Scavenger hunt. 

(Feel free to print it out and adapt it to your own hood)

You could actually probably have a lot of fun with a "Hipster Town Scavenger Hunt." 

But that'd be too mainstream.

Here's the list yo. 

1. One overgrown yard

2. Hideous unidentifiable smell

3. A crushed Marlboro cigarette pack

4. Used syringe

5. Obese nine year old

6. At least three different men walking without there shirt on. 

(Anywhere else it might be considered sexy)

7. One couple fighting loudly. From INSIDE the house

8. Ambulance and or Police car with sirens on 

(probably going to the domestic dispute we heard)

9. Passerby talking about random narcotic prescription drug.

10. Five cigarette butts

11. Poop on side walk or road (any kind)

12. Smashed beer bottle or crushed beer can

(Twenty extra points for "Four Loko" brand)

See? That makes any 30 minute form of torture fun! 

Christians should be more like Smokers.

 I couldn't go to sleep a couple of nights ago. I got this thought buzzing around in my head like a mosquito.

It kept me up for about 2 hours.
I had to write all this down to get it out of my head and forget about it so I could SLEEP.
My sister does this thing where she keeps this note book by her bed so she can write down all her dreams and cool thoughts.

Unfortunately, when one wakes up in the morning and looks at their genius late night idea, it looks either really plausible or really idiotic.

Since I couldn't decided which of those two categories it fell into, I decided the hell with it. So here is my plausible/idiotic analogy from a couple of nights ago.


*ahem*

Wouldn't it be cool if Christians were more like smokers?

Now, just hear me out.
Er, read me out.

Smokers and Christians have a lot in common if you think about it.

Usually, if either Christianity or Smoking is done right (or wrong) you can tell when you're within a certain radius what is going on with the other person doing said activity.

Guys. I had to do it.

There is one way that they differ from the other though.

And that would be how they share their habits.

 

 You know how when you see someone smoking and they look cool and it kinda makes you want to try it? That's how Christians should be with their faith. You need to be smoking that cigarette so cool that when your friend tries it they'll be hooked. You want to be smoking that Christian leaf so much that when people hang around you, other people that don't smoke Christian leaf can tell when they've been hanging around you. That they get a natural "nicotine fix" if you will, just from getting second-hand smoke.

People know a smoker when they see one... or smell... or hear...  Now I'm not saying that as a Christian you should smell like one. (Who even wants to delve into THAT particular topic)  But people should be able to notice something different about you.

Now it is my dream that Christians would look like the cool smokers... but alas, most of the time we Christians end up looking like the cancer riddled, raspy voiced, crazy lady that lives downstairs from you and looks 20 years older than her age. Nobody would want to smoke after hanging around someone like that!

Some lessons we Christians should take away from smokers:

• Do not intentionally irritate people with your smoking... You're just making them dislike smokers more.

• Do NOT keep offering your non smoking friends a cigarette. (Those things are like gold and expensive as hell!) And....eventually you won't be friends with them anymore. Nobody likes things shoved down their throat. 

• When you do offer your friends a smoke, be choosy with who you pass your cigarettes out to. I mean. Smokers don't just share their smokes with just anyone. It's either other smokers like themselves or someone that they genuinely like. 

As Christians lets be choosy about who we share ourselves with. Try to be the same with sharing your faith as smokers are with their cigarettes. Your faith should be a deep and important part of your life. You shouldn't be throwing it out there flippantly. Just like smokers, people will know you for who you are. Share your faith out of a natural affection and love for that person for God's sake! If they don't want your faith, but don't mind if you have it, by all means light up, share some second hand smoke and move on to a different topic. If the other person decides that they want to try it after all, they'll know where to find you.

General Surgeons warning : Christ will get inside you and stick to you like nicotine. Being a Christian will permeate everything you do and touch everything around you. You may lose friends because of it. You may gain friends because of it. In extreme cases Christianity might result in death. But, also it is true that in ALL cases there will be life. 

Please be a Christian responsibly.

Generic, Value Brand, Sparrows.

Do you know what's been on my mind a lot lately? 

Sparrows. 

I'm outside playing with Leni, look up, and bam. There's a sparrow 5 feet away from me. This has happened several times. I'll be minding my own business and bam! There's a sparrow. 

How come I've never noticed these birds before? I mean, the first time it happened I had to think fast about what kind of bird it was... 

Oh look a Wren! No, wait... Sparrow? Google to the rescue!

You know how there are generic value brand foods? Like, there's Wonderbread then there's Kroger's white, not so wonderful looking "Wonderbread" look alike in value brand packaging? 

That's what I think Sparrows are like. 

Generic, value brand, birds. 

And if that's the case... Why in the WORLD did God say "My eye is on the sparrow..." 

'Ah ha!' you say. I knew she was going to put a religious spin on this somehow... 

Well. 

You were right. I did. Congratulations.

If I were God, I would've said something like, my eye is on the ice cream so just pray it watches you eventually. Or like, my eye is on the platypus... b/c I really knocked it out of the park on that particular creation. I mean... a mammal that lays eggs? Come on. Who doesn't want to watch that? 

Oh Oh! Or maybe the hummingbird! Super fast flyer with the ability to fly backwards and like up like a helicopter?  Then I would've had to say that BOTH my eyes were on the hummingbird. 

My eye is on the elephant. 

My eye is on.... the shark.

My eye is on the... aardvark.

My eye is on the mosquito so I can see where it's gonna land and whack that thing to Hell. 

What? Mosquito's came with the Fall. You didn't know that?

You get the picture. There are WAY more interesting things for God to be noticing in the world than a generic, value brand, sparrow.

They don't fly in a particularly cool way. They are brown. Not chartreuse or  - my personal favorite - teal. They don't sing in a jaw dropping manner.  

Sparrows are just... you know. 

Sparrows. 

And then I got to thinking some more.

I mean, I don't know about you, but the fact that the Creator of EVERYTHING knows about every single sparrow that dies is kinda comforting. 

Looka here : 

²⁹ What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. ³⁰ And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

 - Matthew 10:29-31 NLT

I think that Jesus mentioned Sparrows exactly for the fact that they are pretty much worthless. 

We don't have to try to impress God to get his attention. If God takes into account something worthless by the worlds standards, how much more will He take us into account? 

We don't have to worry about wrenching God's attention away from a peacock, or a clown fish, or a giraffe.  

If His eyes are on the Generic, Value brand Sparrow.... well, then I know He's watching me.... 

I mean... I've got to be more interesting than a sparrow right?

Vague analogies and Excuses

So... While we were in line to get gas at Kroger a couple of months back and it was taking a God- forsaken amount of time, Jesse told me an interesting little factoid. 

He said - "Did you know that when people know that they have somebody waiting behind them they actually take longer than if no one was there?"

Why no. No, I did not know that.

 So of course when it was our turn I rushed at the gas pump. 

I always try not to be a stereotype that way.

But you know what happened? In my rush to go faster I actually took longer because I was stressing and making stupid mistakes like inserting the credit card wrong or waffling over whether or not to get a receipt. (To save a tree or not?) Hmmm... one limb is probably all they used to make that receipt... One limb won't hurt....

You can see how this could get rather drawn out, me being the altruistic mess that I am.

Any ways allllll that to say. 

I'm not blogging because you're waiting on me. 

See? Your fault. Not mine.

No, you say?

Well at least it was a good attempt at an excuse, no? 

I mean at least I could say that I'm striving to be more like Jesus through my sporadic blogging. 

How's that?

Because! 

You never know when I'll come back but when I do it's awesome.

 I love it when I use vague analogies to try to tie everything together.