Vague analogies and Excuses

So... While we were in line to get gas at Kroger a couple of months back and it was taking a God- forsaken amount of time, Jesse told me an interesting little factoid. 

He said - "Did you know that when people know that they have somebody waiting behind them they actually take longer than if no one was there?"

Why no. No, I did not know that.

 So of course when it was our turn I rushed at the gas pump. 

I always try not to be a stereotype that way.

But you know what happened? In my rush to go faster I actually took longer because I was stressing and making stupid mistakes like inserting the credit card wrong or waffling over whether or not to get a receipt. (To save a tree or not?) Hmmm... one limb is probably all they used to make that receipt... One limb won't hurt....

You can see how this could get rather drawn out, me being the altruistic mess that I am.

Any ways allllll that to say. 

I'm not blogging because you're waiting on me. 

See? Your fault. Not mine.

No, you say?

Well at least it was a good attempt at an excuse, no? 

I mean at least I could say that I'm striving to be more like Jesus through my sporadic blogging. 

How's that?

Because! 

You never know when I'll come back but when I do it's awesome.

 I love it when I use vague analogies to try to tie everything together.

Faith the size of a purple hulled pea

When I was pretty young, I got it into my head that I had faith. Not just faith in God but that supernatural faith. The faith that could make you a super hero and help you to move a physical mountain. Or walk on water like Peter. 

I mean Jesus did say that if you had faith as small as a mustard seed that you could move mountains. I remember one time on vacation, (we vacationed in the mountains) trying to move one of the neighboring mountains. 

Just a little. 

I stretched out my hand, squinched up my eyes and tried to shift the mountain Petit Jean a little to the right. 

 I had the faith. I had the God. I could do this. 

Well needless to say there wasn't anything but the rustling of leaves blowing in the wind that I heard. No monumental shuffling of Earth happened, no dust clouds, no flocks of birds fleeing.

When I peeked open my eyes, I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't devastated. 

I just didn't have enough faith. So I do what any person does that wants more faith. 

I tried to muster it up. Hey! I didn't know you couldn't make yourself have more. I vowed to try out my new found abilities in faith when I was certain it had reached mustard seed level. Certainly couldn't be too long. 

I mean, mustard seeds are tiny.
 

Look at it! Look at it! It's miniscule!!

A couple of months passed, and it was Summer in Mississippi. Now, my daddy is a gardener so we had planted lots of vegetables. I was constantly reminded about my faith size status when I saw all those seeds. We had just planted peas and I was holding one of the seeds that didn't get planted. I was certain that my faith was at LEAST the size of a purple hulled pea. 

At LEAST.

So to test it out, I attempted to walk out onto the pond in my backyard. Pea grasped firmly in my hand and toes at the edge of the bank, I started to step out towards the waters edge. I remembered in the Bible where Peter had to keep his eyes focused on Jesus so he wouldn't sink. Unfortunately I didn't have Jesus walking around on the top of my pond that day. I mean everyone knows that He flew up to Heaven right? And Heaven is OBVIOUSLY above the clouds. SO! That logic worked out I fixed my eyes up to the sky. 

I remember thinking to myself "If Peter can do this I'll be damned if I can't do it." 

For some reason I had/slightly have a beef against Peter. He's just so...so... dunder headed! I mean come on, you see miracle after miracle, are in Jesus' inner most circle, and you still doubt?!

I HAD to have more faith than he did. Had to.

I slowly picked up my right foot, and tested it on the surface of the water. I didn't plunge it through, just rested it lightly on the surface. Fixing my face even more Heavenward, I pushed down on my right foot and lifted my left to also my contact with the surface. 

Annnd I immediately plunged feet first into the slick mud, slid down the incline and up to my waist in a murky Bass fishes nesting bed.

Ok, I was a tad disappointed. I was so SURE that my faith seed had grown. But I wasn't too upset, I mean, I was only just eight. There was definitely more time for my faith to get bigger when I got older. Everyone knows older people have more faith than children right? 

Uh. Wrongo. 

Last year, I took a spiritual assessment for my church plant. Want to know what my top spiritual gift was?

Faith. 

I admit, I was surprised. Last year was a very spiritually hard year. Jesse and I were attempting to help plant a church and were under constant spiritual attack it felt like. Also, we were doing the Radial mission from David Platt. As if church planting wasn't a spiritual boot camp of a mission...

I had been through... so much -let me just say plainly- SHIT that I HAD to rely on God. HAD to. Like going to maybe starve and or get evicted if God didn't come through. 

Here's the weird thing though. He totally did. Money was sent from relatives that had no clue about our situation, we received free food, the list goes on and on about how He came through for us. 

And just FYI, if you pray for more faith.... You WILL get it. It just may come in the form of a really difficult time. So a heads up for you there. 

This year? I'm going to be honest with you. This year has been ROUGH. It's only the third month of the year and I'm already saying I wish I could just fast forward. We've got our family to fall back on though. And Jesse's family is an amazing support to have. 

But recently, since we moved I started going to another church. Last week I took my spiritual assessment and gifts test from them. Know what spiritual gift was my highest?

Hospitality.

Followed by Creative Graphic Communication (as in computers not violent interpretive dance... which is - I'll be honest- what I thought it might be saying at first)

and Discipleship. 

Faith was nowhere to be found. And this year has started out rougher than last year! My mustard seed has shriveled. I've been relying on family instead of God. My in-laws are the MOST wonderful in-laws I could've EVER been blessed with.

But they aren't God. 

Things that you focus on in your life to help you get by don't have to be bad to distract you from getting closer to God. They can be good. They just may not be great.  

I think I know now why God compared faith to a mustard seed. Just like a seed, faith needs to grow. And the only way it can is if you get in good with the Gardener (aka God).  And if you think that you don't need the Gardener think again. Because your little faith plant will shrivel up before you can think twice. You can't muster it up by yourself.

How's your faith?

What inspires you to worship? I hope it's not drugs... or orgies.

Is it weird that with just one sip of Diet Dr. Pepper I want to go into a full pentecostal worship session? 

Snakes and all?

How is it that what seems like the most worldly things inspire me to bow down and worship God? 

Not Psalms, not Proverbs, not Sunrises, Sunsets, or a 30 minute worship extravaganza. 

Diet Dr. Pepper seems to bring me to a place of gratitude that I've never grasped before from scriptures or sermons. Did I mention that it has ZERO calories?

It's a completely unnatural carbonated aspartamed syrup.

And it's bottled straight from the throne room of God. 

That might be why it inspires me to worship. 

I know that technically, Diet Dr. Pepper, or DDP as I affectionately call it around the house, is man-made. But technically all the manufactured goop can be broken down and traced back to something that was actually made by God.

Yes! I've over thought this! 

So therefore, God can still be in a can of sugarless carbonized syrup. Or a bottle... or a fountain. 

I'm sure He's not too picky. 

(I'm not)

Somehow, I'm sure He's not too picky about what inspires you to worship either... 

Unless of course it's like cocaine or something. 

 Or orgies. 

(That would be a no-no I believe.)

You know what else is cool? 

His sense of humor. 

Ok, check this out. Did you know... that a Shark's brain is almost exactly identical to a woman's "ah-woo-woo" system?

Yes, from now on that certain time of the month WILL be called shark week at my house.

That Creator guy, He's a funny one. 

Also, every time I seem to be having a bad week or day or month or WHATEVER

Jimmy Eats World - The Middle always seems to come on the radio. 

That is Gods special song to me when my panties don't have any snap to them that week. 

Today is just an appreciative day for me.

 I really really appreciate God. 

Even if silly mundane things like diet drinks, a sharks repro system and old 90's pop songs are the cause. 

You gotta find a little of God in everything y'all.  I promise He'll be there if you look hard enough.

Where and what have you found God in this week?

P.S. Sorry to any of you guys out there that I might have scarred for life with the picture of a woman's woop-woop area.

This song can't help but make you feel good! 

I love how he sings "Evrruh-thing" it makes me smile. :)

Also, if you are offended easily don't listen to this next video. No point in making yourself uncomfortable right? I absolutely love this song and am unashamed to admit that I blasted it through my sunroof for all of Ohio to hear this afternoon. Please. You know it's awesome. ;)

I will say though, that I don't think God played this song for me... 

It didn't stop me from giving Him props though!!

Bottle Shock

This weekend, since I'm flat ass broke, I borrowed movies from my local library. 

Since my in-laws are into true stories, and I'm in to sucking up to them, I picked one out that I had seen before and had found not boring.

Maybe you've seen it before. It's called Bottle Shock. Bottle Shock is the true story of how wine in California became known by competing in a blind taste testing with some of the oldest and best French wines. Now I won't give it away by telling you what happens, but! I do want to share with you one of my favorite quotes from that movie. 

Here's a little background for you: Imagine looking at hills and valleys full of grape vines. But the soil underneath is dry, parched and dusty. Here's what Jim Barrett (Bill Pullman) has to say about that:

Jim Barret : "You want to limit the irrigation
'cause it makes the vines struggle...

  
intensifies the flavor.

  
A comfortable grape, a well-watered,
well-fertilized grape...

  
grows into a lazy ingredient
of a lousy wine." 

To me, this says so much. 

All the situations that I'm going through? 

They are there to help me be the best version of myself.

 To struggle to make the best of myself and my situation .

God doesn't want me to be average. 

He wants me to change lives and be extraordinary. 

He doesn't want your life to be average either. 

But sometimes in order for peoples lives to be extraordinary; 

you have to strive for the nourishment you need.

Get closer to God in your hardships. 

He's the only one that can help sustain you. 

You sneaky mom!

I know its going to be a long day when I wake up with Lennox, look at the clock and try to calculate exactly when I can put her down for a nap.

I start thinking to myself "It's been 3 hours. Why isn't she tired yet?" "If I put her down now, will she stay awake or will she actually take the ticket and go to sleepy town?" "What if I use Benerdryl? No that makes her cranky and it doesn't actually work"

Usually, I think of all sorts of inventive and stimulating things for her to do. But I know it's one of those days when all that I can manage to do is drool on the couch and put Baby Einstein on repeat. 

Today is one of those days. 

 Alas, I've already tried to put her down once to no avail. So I decided I could try to keep myself awake by blogging. 

The hardest thing about being a mom so far is determining what the most important thing is for me: Alone time or Rest... 

Ninety percent of the time rest wins out for me.... and the only way that I can get that rest is if Lennox goes down for a nap.

Since moving to Ohio, we've been living with Jesse's parents. That means that Leni gets to share a room with us. Which means I have to be sneaky at nap time. The best thing about this room is that it's the darkest room I've ever been in in my entire life. I'm weird in that when I got to bed, all the lights have to be out. ALL of them. That blinky light on my charging laptop? I get Jesse to throw a towel over it. Crack in the door? Shove clothes by the exposed crack. Everything has to be completely dark. It makes me sound like a boogeyman or something but that's just the way it is. Also, "goodnight" has to be one of the last things said. And I have to make sure that my feet are touching Jesse's.

If Jesse gets a wild hair and starts having a conversation with me after I've already said good night, I have to go through the routine again or I feel like I can't go to sleep. 

"...and I'm glad I changed Temp agencies b/c I'm no longer worried about being stabbed by crackheads who might steal my check." "That's good Jesse, I love you." "I love you too my Bee." "Goodnight." "Goodnight." (worm between Jesse's feet with my own)

Every. Night. Yes, aren't you glad you didn't marry me?

Anyways back to the point. Sneaky nap time.  

The nap time routine is as follows :

I open the bedroom door so I have a light to see through the inky abyss, put Lennox in her bed and make sure she has her stuffed platypus "P-Woo".  I tell her "Nigh Nigh" then walk to the door making a bunch of racket to close the door so she thinks I've left. Then I ninja sneak into bed and hide under the covers. Lennox, of course probably sees right through my genius, but it makes me feel better to get a good sneak in once a day or so. 

I feel like I have to sneak, b/c if Lennox really knew that I was in there she'd want to be in the bed with me and or would find a way to pull my hair. (I don't know WHY but apparently Leni has a hair fetish. Maybe it's because she has little of her own... I've personally thought about exchanging P-Woo for a long wig for her to pull on. That is the extremeness of her fascination with hair.)

Ok, well I feel adequately awake enough to try to make it an extra hour or two till nap time... 

Have you been feeling exhausted lately?

Dirty Diaper Face

Today, I saw a woman in IKEA who had a mustache, warts, sweat pants, a belly that looked like it was pregnant, (but there was NO way) and a bratty grandchild. I'm telling you if her looks had a smell it would be dirty diapers. My nose would wrinkle involuntarily just in case she caught me by surprise. 

It was then I realized that I am hatefully judgmental sometimes.

One of the top 10 most negative things about myself I think. 

Gotta work on that.

Lemme think of what else has been going on... 

Not much really. 

Honestly, I've thought about bicycling around the neighborhood with Lennox in tow. Mainly to see if anything interesting would happen so I could regale everybody with entertaining tales...

I've got cabin fever like crazy b/c we only have one car and Jesse needs it to go to his TEMP job... plus I have to take it easy on my foot. I don't think it's a stress fracture anymore... 

I googled "I hurt my foot on the elliptical" last night and the thing that came up the most was 

"plantar facsciitis."

It's like carpal tunnel for your foot. 

Let's see what else...

Oh! I found a church to attend!! And I'm making friends!

When people say that making friends is a lot like dating I thought they were just over exaggerating.

They weren't. It is.

I'm a bit more choosey now than I used to be. I'm learning the concept of guarding your heart.

You know what? 

Finding a CHURCH is a lot like dating.

That. Is another blog post in itself right there... 

Ok, well I'm gonna go play some Sudoku... 

Prayers for my foot would be muchly appreciated. 

My Spiritual Butt Hurts

Ok, Lennox is watching a Baby Einstein (ThankGodforJulieClark) so I have approximately 30-ish minutes to tell you whats going on. 

(If anybody plans to enlighten me on how tv isn't good for children under two, don't worry I know ALLL about that and have taken an extended guilt trip to pay for it. A mama's gotta get a break SOMETIME. Why am I explaining myself to you? Read the post.)

My spiritual butt hurts. 

Because I have received a spiritual spanking.  

Yes, there is actually a picture of this on the web, yes it's stupid and will make you NOT want to be a Christian.

Our Sky Daddy is disciplining the heck out of us up here in the cold North and it hurts. And I'm not as 'spiritually mature' as I thought because I'm pouting like a two year old about it. 

I mean, I know the end result will be great and all, but as of right now my spiritual ass HURTS. God has taken hard hand to it. If you're the praying type just pray for us to learn out lesson and for minimal ass whippings in the future. 

This next bit will probably make no sense but I need to get it out : 

We're still waiting on Jesse to get his nursing license endorsed up here, apparently it takes 2 months for that to happen. So we're broke, Jesse has to wake up at 3:30AM to go to a temp agency so we can buy groceries, I stress fractured my foot at the gym, we don't know if Jesse is finished with all the hoops they want him to jump through for RN school or if he'll even be able to get in for this up coming semester, I can't get a cat, Lennox has two molars coming in but she acts like she's getting ALL her teeth in at the same time, I can't do ANYTHING with my hair because apparently I'm hopeless (who ever invented the fishtail braid should be hit in the knees with a golf club), all they play up here in the house is country music, I lost my iPhone at the mall but I found it again after have a major breakdown in front of my MIL (embarrassing), our car battery died, Lennox won't stop pooping, I think everybody hates me(that's not new), I'm afraid to get on the scale because I haven't been able to go to the gym since I overworked my foot and blah blah blah blah blah. 

I do have a nice tan though. 

Anyways, these all seem like First World problems when I re-read this, but their MY first world problems.  We came to Ohio because we felt like God was calling us up here so we could learn how to better work on our family so we could go into church planting. Apparently, you can't help others with their problems if you and your family are screwed up. Who knew right? I just didn't think that what God wanted us to learn would be so HARD.... I mean... I knew it would be hard but not THIS hard.... whiney whine whine.

Crapola, Baby Einstein just ended.  I'll formulate a better post when I can to explain all this gibberish I just typed. 

If you're a first time reader, thank you for reading the WORST post on this ENTIRE blog.  I doubt you'll be coming back after THIS load of crazy hoo-ha.

aka - OneRighteousBabe

*Apparently, 'apparently' is my word crutch of the week. And apparently I'm ok with that.